Justify My Love For You
by YourGuardianAngel13
Summary: There is a huge fight between Tegan and Sara in Glasgow. But what will happen next? There is something going on, and they both know, where it s going...QUINCEST. Don t like, don t read.
1. Dark Come Soon

**A/N: Hello, guys! So, this is my first quincest fanfic, I hope you will like it! Please leave a review, thank you! **

**Chapter 1: Dark Come Soon  
**

„Is she okay?", Lindsey asked me as we were getting ready for the show in Glasgow. Sara was in the other room, getting her make up done and I was spending some time with Lindsey, picking the right outfit for the show.

I shrugged and looked at the doors to Sara´s room. She´s been acting weird lately and it was starting to piss me off. I was okay with the fact that we were sometimes fighting, making jokes of each other, but it was never this serious. She was very angry and I didn´t know the reason. When you have a twin, it´s even harder, because when she´s angry, you´re angry as well.

Everytime I said something to her, she just shouted something back. She wasn´t able to speak to me in a normal way and it was annyoing. I am her sister, her twin sister and I love her, so why should we fight like this? It was stupid. We were fighting like this when we were little kids, but it didn´t last for longer than 2 days. This lasted for almost 2 fucking weeks.

„Do you have any idea of what happend?", Lindsey kept asking me questions, because she was also worried about her, just as I was. She noticed how was she acting, well, I guess everyone noticed, even the band mates. Everyone could saw that rage in Sara´s eyes, they didn´t even have to be her twin.

I thought about it for a moment. Did I something wrong? I would remeber that, right? Because everytime I piss her off, she let me know. So this wasn´t about me, it was about someone else. Maybe...it was Emy. Who knows, I don´t care, it´s her own motherfucking problem.

Okay, maybe I do care, because she is the closest person to me and I wont be complete without her, but it´s all her fault. She shouldn´t act like that. She should just tell me what´s the matter or how can I help her, not being a bitch to me the whole fucking time.

„I don´t wanna talk about it, okay? I have no fucking idea of what happend, but I hope she wont be a bitch to me the whole tour.", I told Lindsey. I didn´t mean to be mean to Lindsey and thankfully, she understood that and just smiled at me, knowing I was having a hard time with my sister. This is what I loved about Lindsey – she always understood mine strong relationship with my twin.

As I turned around, I saw Sara standing in the room and it surprised me.

I didn´t even know, how did she get in there, she must have been really quiet. I looked at her,together with Lindsey, who didn´t exept her to be there either. Sara looked devastated. Her eyes were puffy and she looked like she´s been crying the last three hours. It broke my heart, to see my sister like that. But she looked pissed off, she kept sending me negative vibes through our „twin radar" and I knew this wasn´t going to be okay.

Lindsey felt the uncomfortable situation, she knew thatwe were having our twin communication again and that we were about to talk, so she just said that she has some work to do and she left us there, completely alone.

Sara slowly walked closer to me, looking like a ghost and I started to feel weird. I didn´t know what she´s been up to, I just stared back at her, without saying a single word. Suddenly, she grabbed the hem of my black T-shirt and she pulled me closer to her.

„So I am a bitch to you, huh?", she asked me in a low voice, but I saw she was getting really angry each second she was looking into my eyes. I swallowed and raised both of my eyebrows.

„You know I didn´t mean it like that. I just don´t understand why are you acting like this, what have I done to you, Sara? You are being a bitch to me the whole time!", I almost shouted and right after that, she just explode.

She was about to punch me in the face with her tiny arms, but I quickly grabbed them and I turned her around, so her back was pushing into my chest and I tried to calm her down, even though it was hard, because she started kicking me and she didn´t want to calm down.

„FUCK YOU TEGAN, OKAY?! EMY BROKE UP WITH ME AND I AM FUCKED UP AND YOU THINK I AM A BITCH!", she screamed at me and that broke my heart , but suddenly, she escaped from my arms and she slapped me across my face. I wasn´t expecting her to do that at all.

I don´t know how, or why, but that slap made me so angry, that I couldn´t help myself and I slapped her back. I should know it wasn´t the right thing to do. All the anger left our bodies after that and we just stood there, looking at each other in disbelief and pure pain.

This wasn´t okay. We fought a few times and Sara was using her karate skills on me, but most of the time, it was only for fun. Typical sister fights. This was different. This time, it was a real fight without an actual reason. She was heartbroken and I hurt her even more.

Her whole body started shaking and when I saw the first tears running down her face, it broke me inside. I never wanted to slap her, but I did it. Now, when she needed me the most, I did this to her. I crossed the line and we both knew it. Her tears made me the weakest person in the world, I felt my knees shaking and I couldn´t make it stop.

„Sara, I-.", she didn´t let me finish, she just ran out of my dressing room to her own and she locked herself in there.

„FUCK!", I screamed at myself and I punched the wall. Really, Tegan?! You are so stupid! You should help your sister, not slap her! Look at yourself, look at what you did to her! You are such an asshole!

I kept cursing at myself. I hated myself so much. Even more when I heard Sara crying through the locked door. I knocked at them, but she didn´t respond. She didn´t wanna talk to me. She hated me probably, because I was a terrible sister. I was the worst twin in the history.

Sara was so vulnerable. The memory of her standing in front of me with tears in her eyes rushed to my mind and it was like a knife in my heart. She was always the one, who was weaker. She wasn´t as strong as I was, even her body was tinier than mine. Sara was always the small one, and I was supposed to protect her. My mom gave me my name, because she thought I was stronger and I will take care of my little sister. But now I´ve done such an mistake.

After 30 minutes of sitting there and listening to her and my own crying, I slowly got up from the ground, where I was sitting with my back layed on her door, and I realized we were about to have a show. Shit, I totally forgot about it!

„Sar, I am going to tell them that we are not going to do the show tonight.", I said softly against the door, trying not to cry, but it was hard for me. Suddenly, the door opened and I saw Sara standing right in front of me, with red eyes and tears all over her face.

„No. We are going to perform. I can do this.", she told me in a weak voice and I sighed. I wasn´t going to complain about it, because I knew it will only make another problems that I would regret for sure.

„I am just not sure if I can do this.", I whispered more to myself than her as she walked past me, grabbed her Gibson guitar and left my dressing room.

When we walked on the stage, everyone were screaming our names and it made me smile a bit. I always loved our fans, they were just so crazy about us and they were about to do anything for us. But even though they were so amazing, I couldn´t help myself. I still felt terrible and I was so emotional, that I was just holding myself not to start crying or something.

I didn´t dare to look at Sara. I just hoped she would be okay. My little sister...I couldn´t think about anything else but her in the moment and that´s why I forget what were we about to play. _Dark Come Soon_. One of the most emotional songs we had. Shit.

I sighed and started playing, together with Sara and then I started singing. I closed my eyes and tried to forget about everything that happend, and just think about the song. For a split of a second I really forgot about everything, I forgot where I was, I forgot about all those crazy lesbians in the crowd, I forgot about the fight between me and my other half...

But suddenly, when I came to the chorus, I opened my eyes and I forgot the words and I knew I was fucked up, so I turned around, not wanting to face all those people in the crowd, but then something happend. Sara continued singing instead of me and that shocked me.

I thought she would just cancel the whole show because of my stupid mistake, or she would just yell at me, but no. She continued singing and I couldn´t, but started crying like a little baby, still playing guitar, to support Sara at least a little.

It was too much for me to take – all those things that happend + being with her on one stage + singing this emotional song. I knew some people in the front row noticed what was happening, because I heard them doing some curious noises, but I didn´t give a shit about it. All I cared about was Sara...

After the show we went to our hotel together with the band. Lindsey didn´t go with us, because she had some work to do, so it was only two of us in one car and the rest of the band in the other. We were sitting next to each other, speachless.

We were like that the whole ride to the hotel. I didn´t dare to talk to her, I was just looking out of the window, or looking at my tattoos on my arms. I looked at her a few times too. She looked exhausted and sad. I wanted to comfort her so much, but I didn´t have the courage to do so.

When we arrived to our hotel, we both got to our rooms. I sighed as I walked in. I doubted I would sleep tonight. I took a quick shower and put my PJ´s on and then I layed down on my bed, looking into the ceiling and thinking.

I couldn´t stop thinking. Those thoughs were running through my head and I knew there was something I had to do. I couldn´t leave it like that. I was afraid that Sara would do something stupid during the night, I couldn´t leave her alone, so I stood up and I slowly walked to the doors of her room and I knocked on her door, not sure, if she would open them or not.

She didn´t. But I wasn´t going to give up so easily, so I tried if the doors weren´t open and thank God, they were. I walked quietly inside, closing the door behind me and I saw Sara laying on her bed under the sheets. I saw only her back, so I didn´t know, if she was asleep or not, but I decide to take a step to her.

„What do you want, Tegan?", she asked quietly, not looking at me and I sat up on her bed, next to her and I sighed, trying to find the right words for an apology.

„I-I came to apologize. Look, it´s all my fault, I should be by your side and-...I am really sorry, Sasa. You know I am. And the only thing I want to do right now is being next to you and comfort you. I want to make you feel that you´re no alone."

She didn´t reply, so I climbed under the sheets next to her and I hugged her tightly from her behind, with my arms around her hips and stomach. It felt weird at first, but it was the only thing I wanted to do right now. I held her really close to me and felt tears falling down my face. It was nice to hold her, actually. I loved the way she smelled – like my home.

„I am so sorry, Sasa, I really am.", I whispered into her ear and she tried to shook me off of her at first, but after a while she gave up.

„I know you don´t like touching me, but please...", I said to her and she sighed and then she turned up in my arms, our faces just inches apart and I suddenly started to feel nervous.

We were there, in her bed, laying next to each other, my arms around her and our eyes locked. It sounds like we were a couple, right? Well, it felt like it and that´s what made me feel weird and nervous, but I pushed these thoughs away for a moment.

Sara snuggled to my chest without saying anything and that surprised me. The old Sara I knew would kick me out of her bed, she would scream at me, telling me that I am stupid and that she doesn´t like it when I touch her. But this Sara, was actually glad I was there with her. She wrapped her arms around me and I was staring at her with my mouth wide opened.

„This is what I needed from the beggining, Tee Tee.", she whispered to me and it shocked me, that she called me that. She wasn´t calling me that very often lately, only in the times she wasn´t angry at me.

„You should have just told me. I would understand.", I said and rubbed her back.

She sighed and snuggled even closer to me. I remeber those times, when we were sleeping together like this when we were little kids. It just felt so right, to be together like this. Yeah, we were pretty close and I always took care of Sara. And right now, I was doing it again.

„Thank you, Tee Tee.", she said after a few minutes in comfortable silence.

„Don´t thank me. I should have been with you from the start. I am your big sister and I was suppose to be with you in your hard times, not slap you.", I said, anger raising in my voice, because I was truly blaming myself for what I did.

„Tegan.", she said and she got on top of me, our faces just inches apart, she was looking straight into my eyes and I just swallowed hard, my mouth slightly opened.

„I was being a bitch to you. I know, that if I told you what was happening, you would help me. I slapped you first, it´s not your fault, okay? You are an amazing sister, Tee.", she said in a whisper and I felt really _really _weird because of the position we were in.

And then, out of nowhere, Sara pecked my lips and I felt my whole body burning because of this one little moment, because of this stupid little peck we shared. Her lips lightly touched mine for a second and then she pulled away and she layed back on my chest.

„Goodnight, Tee Tee.", she said and after a while she fell into a restful sleep.

And my mind went crazy.

DID SHE JUST PECK ME ON MY LIPS WHAT THE FUCK?! Okay, cuddling and stuff was okay, but this? This never EVER happend between us. And I would NEVER expect this from Sara!

But...the worst part is...that...I actually...felt something.

_And that was the moment, when Tegan realized she was fucked up. _


	2. Closer

**A/N: Sorry I didn´t uptade sooner and I am also sorry for all those grammar mistakes I am making! Love ya, please REVIEWS! ****:)**

**Chapter 2: Closer**

I woke up, feeling Sara´s body pressed against mine. Wow. So it really happend? I though it didn´t. I thought I was only dreaming, but apparently, I wasn´t. Shit. I was thinking I wont be able to sleep all night, because of that little stupid peck, but I slept pretty good.

Maybe it was because of Sara. It´s a twin thing, you know. When we are together, it´s like...we are complete. I feel so much better when I am with her, that´s why I am glad, when we are together on tour, because when she´s not around me, I feel kind of incomplete. Like there is something missing. I don´t know, if she ever felt the same way.

I always felt, that she was too proud to admit that. Everytime I was getting closer to her, she just pushed me away... But she´s my twin. She must feel the same way. We are almost the same person, even though we are pretty different.

But yesterday, she was so broken she even let me to sleep with her. She snuggled to me and that was honestly the sweetest moment we ever had. Some part of me was telling me it was disgusting, but that was probably the part of me I was showing only to the other people. Deep down inside of me I liked it when we were so close to each other.

But that peck on my lips was maybe...too much. I don´t know, she would never do that, I don´t understand why did she...Maybe she was just too emotional and she didn´t know how to thank me for being here for her.

I sighed, because it was too much of thinking for me, when I just woke up. As I sighed and my chest moved up and down, Sara has woken up. She slowly moved her head up and looked up to me. I was looking back at her, curiously.

„Good morning.", she said and smiled a bit.

„Morning to you too. How do you feel?", I asked her and she placed her head back to the place on my chest it was before.

„Better.", she replied.

There was a longer moment of pure silence and I tried to get that mess out of my head. I was feeling weird. Even though I wanted to help Sara, it felt somehow different now. It was probably because of her different acting, so why the heck am I still thinking about it?!

„Do we have to get up anytime soon?", Sara asked me after a while and I looked at my phone next to the bed. It was only 7 AM and we didn´t have anything special to do today. After the yesterday´s concert, we decided to take a day off. She probably forgot about it.

„Nope. Nothing special to do today.", I told her and she sighed and rolled herself off me, laying right by my side, still making an eye contact with me.

„Sorry, I didn´t mean to lay on you all the time.", she apologized suddenly and I raised my eyebrow, surprised. I actually liked making a physical contact with her. It was like touching myself, but better...

„N-no, it´s okay. I don´t mind it at all.", I said and winked at her and then I realized that once I told something like this to Lindsey with exactly the same wink and I wanted to slap myself. Like seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you, Tegan?

Her respone was a giggle. A fucking giggle! And it was cute. Shit, no! The fuck is wrong with me?! I can´t be thinking like this, it´s Sara for god sake!

I jumped out of the bed and walked to the bathroom, where I washed my face for like 6 times and I even lightly slapped myself, trying to get back to the normal human being I was before the whole thing. I looked at myself in the mirror and well, I looked normal. Like there was nothing difference about me. But inside, I felt something changed and I didn´t feel good about it.

I mean, what the hell was that? Since the small kiss she gave me something woke up in me. Shiiiiit, nooo, it´s just my big imagination, nothing else. I am a mess, I guess I just need Lindsey. Yeah, right, Lindsey. She is what I need. But she is away for the work...

„Are you okay?", I felt small hands on my shoulders and then I saw Sara standing behind my back with a worried expression. Her touch send a shiver through my whole body and I guess she noticed it, because she put her hands away and took a step back.

I felt that the situation was getting more awkward each second and I tried to calm down and stop all those thoughs and everything and just get back to the normal. I turned to her and smiled a bit.

„Everything´s fine, I just needed to get myself...um...up, you know. I was very sleepy and-and I have things to do today.", I lied to her and she frowned and I knew she didn´t believe what I said, she is my twin, she always knows when I´m lying or not.

I moved past her back to her room and she was following me with her arms crossed on her chest. I picked my phone that I had next to her bed and I was about to leave her room, but she stopped me before I could.

„I thought we could spend some time together today. You know, I don´t really want to be...alone.", she said in a sad voice and I turned back to her, when I heard this, it almost hurt me physically. I hated seeing her like that – so vulnerable. She really needed me.

I smiled at her and then I hugged her thightly. She sighed happily as I was holding her and I felt a very warm feeling running through my whole body.

„I will be always here for you, Sara. I will be always here to protect you.", I whispered into her ear.

I felt her smiling against my skin.

„Are you sure you need to get up so soon? We both need some more rest after yesterday.", she told me as I pulled away from her and I thought about it and when I saw her puppy eyes, I rolled my eyes and nodded.

She giggled and pulled me down back to the bed and she pressed herself against me again and I just took a deep breath and tried not to feel those unappropriate things I was feeling.

„Sara?", I asked her as she cuddled closer to me and I could smelled her fresh and soft scent.

„Hm?"

„You know, I am okay with this, but are you sure you didn´t switch with someone else? The old Sara I knew would never cuddle with me like this.", I told her honestly and she giggled softly, making me smile.

Sara turned her head from my chest to my face and she was just staring into my eyes for a few seconds with a serious face, but then she smiled softly.

„I know. I just...I feel like I need to feel you. You are the closest person I have, Tee Tee. Maybe in those past years, we should have been _closer_ to each other than we were. Maybe that would make all these problems go away, all these fights we had and everything.", she explained to me and I smiled and stroke her hair.

„Yeah. We should have been _closer_.", I sighed.

After a few more hours of cuddling with Sara, she decided to take a shower and get ready and I got back to my own room and as soon as I get in there I grabbed a paper and a pencil and I started writing a song Sara inspired me to write.

_Closer._

I don´t know exactly what got into me, I just had this feeling I had to write it down somewhere. I wrote just a chorus, because right after that Sara came back from the shower and she walked to my room, so I had to hide it. I didn´t want her to know I was writing a song about what just happend, I wasn´t even about to give it on our next album. I just...needed to write it down, that´s all.

„Are you ready to go?", Sara asked me as I turned to her right after I pulled that paper into my suitcase.

„Why are you still not ready?", she asked me, confused and I just opened my mouth and tried to find a really quick excuse.

„Uhm, I was just...I just...I was thinking about what should I wear. Where are we even going?", I asked her and she frowned, knowing that there was something wrong with me, but thank God she let it go.

„Well, I wanted to go on breakfast somewhere with you and then we can do whatever you want. Just me and you, hanging out, like we used to.", she said with a warm smile and a memory of us two hanging out in random places came in my mind.

Those times were really awesome. When we were kids, we used to be together all the time, we were unseparable. Then, when we were teenagers, most of the things we experienced together, like alcohol, weed and stuff. When we started with our music carieer, we were still pretty close, but as we were growing older, we were more separated each year. But those times I spend with her were the best. It was like there was no problem in the world, it was just her and me, doing crazy things together.

„Sounds great. ´Em gonna take a shower and I´ll be ready in 15 minutes okay?", I told her and she giggled.

„You´re always so quick.", she said before she left my room and I sighed and looked back to my suitcase on the paper with the lyrics I just wrote.

Maybe I will use that song later...Maybe we are really getting closer with Sasa and the song will grow up together with our relationship. Who knows. I grabbed that paper, looked at it and smiled for myself. Then I put it back there and went to the shower, where I silently sang the lyrics that were on my mind.

As Sara suggested, we went on breakfast, where we were talking about some random things. Sara seemed to be so much better than she was yesterday. She was smiling at me all the time, but it was probably because I was trying to make her laugh. I always knew how to make her smile or laugh and I was thankful for that. She really needed to relax and forget about Emy and the fight we had yesterday. It was too much for us both to take.

After breakfast, we went on a walk through the park. It was a very nice day, the weather was a little cold, but we both had jackets on so it was just fine. And I knew that Sara loved a weather like this, she liked autumn and winter more than summer. Actually, it was by me like that too.

I tried not to think about the things that were bothering me this morning. This wasn´t about me, but Sara and all I wanted was to make her feel relaxed and happy. At least today.

There was a small river and a bridge, where we both stayed and watched the water quietly, none of us said a word, but after a few minutes Sara looked at me and broke the silence.

„Thank you, Tegan.", she said to me and I suprisly looked back at her, seeing her very serious expression. She looked lost in her thoughs as she was looking at me.

„It´s okay, Sara. You don´t have to say that. You know that I will do anything for you.", I said honestly and then I looked back to the river.

She sighed.

„I know you would. I just never let you to help me even when I needed it."

I knew why was she telling me this. She probably started to feeling guilty, because I was such a clingy twin that always wanted to be around her and she was just pushing me away. Even when she had some problems, she hardly ever asked me for help. She knew it hurt me when she was staying so far away from me.

But I was never angry on her. No. I was angry on myself, I was thinking that she was right and I was just acting so stupid and I was blaming myself for the way she was treating me.

„Maybe we should change it. Isn´t it nice when we are so close as we were today? Maybe you should finally let me to help you with whatever is bothering you.", I said and I meant it.

There was a moment of silence between us and that silence was very uncomfortable for me. I didn´t know, if I crossed the line or not, if I told her something I shouldn´t, but then she finally spoke again.

„That´s a very good plan, actually. We should try it. A new start."

„Maybe with a new album?", I asked her and she smirked and nodded.

„Sure, why not.", she replied and I felt a need of hugging her, so I stepped to her and I gave her one big hug. I just needed something, some proof, that we are okay since now and that we will continue in a better way than we were.

Sara wasn´t surprised I hugged her, instead of pulling away, as the old Sara would definitely do, she pulled me even closer to her and I felt her enjoying the hug, maybe more than I was. Even though Sara was the smalled one, she was strong and I felt that when she hugged me tighter. But I didn´t mind at all.

It was our new start.


	3. Drove Me Wild

**Chapter 3: Drove Me Wild  
**

Both me and Sara decided, that we should spend some time together for good reasons.

First of all, Sara needed me to get Emy out of her head. She told me I am the only person who can make her forget about her at least for a while. I know Sara loved Emy really much. They were together for a really long time now, and I can´t even imagine what had happend when they broke up. I mean, Emy never looked like a bitch to me or something. She was always a very good person. Either way, I didn´t dare to ask Sara what happend. If she want to tell me, she can, but I wont force her to do it. The worse thing is, that Emy is working for us and we can´t just say goodbye to her because they broke up. That´s why we took a looong break from working with our band and all people around it.

Then, we needed to get our shit together and make a new album, that means we have to write new songs. And we wanted to do some of them together. Without our band, without anybody else. Just the two of us, writing some songs in peace, with our guitars. Just as we used to when we were at the start of our carrier.

We didn´t want to start with that quickly. We needed some time that we could spend together, but not working. We had a lot of touring, doing albums, even DVDs. We wanted some time together just as sisters, twins, hanging out and having fun.

So Sara decided to stay at my house in Vancouver for a while. It was a long time ago that she was last time at my place, because she lived in Montreal and that was across the whole country. I never wanted her to move out to Montreal, because it was so far away and I still remember, how I begged her to stay at least somewhere closer to Vancouver.

In that time we fought a lot too, but those were just some small fights. Sara decided, that she will move there for her own reasons, she said she wanted to feel more free and shit. But why so far away? I wanted to give her some space, but she didn´t listen to me and she did as she wanted. And for me it was really tough, because I was that clingy twin that always wanted to have her other half by her side. And now, she was gone. Yeah, we were still working together and we were visiting each other, but it was never as it used to be. And that left marks in my own soul, because when you´re too far from your soulmate for too long, you are not as complete as you should be...

Lindsey wasn´t at home, because she was in L.A, working mostly with Paramore and she told me she was also about to take some pictures of Kristen Stewart, the girl who was about to play in that new teenage movie called Twilight. I was a bit sad she wasn´t about to be with me for so long, but I couldn´t do anything about it. At least I could spend all the time with Sara.

Me and Lindsey weren´t together for a long time, we just started dating a few months ago. Finally after all those 4 fucking years of trying it, she finally said „yes, I will try it with you". Those 4 years were a terrible experience for me. I was never rejected by a girl, she was the first one and maybe that´s the reason I wanted her even more. But the problem was she was straight. It took me 4 years to make her like me, for make her fall in love with me and I am not sure I succed, but she is my girlfriend now and that´s all that matters. I won.

And so, Lindsey decided she will move in with me, because I really wanted her to. We started living together. It wasn´t as I dreamed about it, because if I wasn´t somewhere on tour or working in the studio, she was somewhere in L.A making pictures of famous people. But at least, she was mine and I was all hers...

When me and Sara finally arrived to my house, she was pretty surprised when she saw how clean it was, her jaw dropped and I chuckled. Of course she was surprised, because I was the most messy person she knew.

„Oh my god, is this really your house?", she asked me, still shocked and I nodded.

„Well, Lindsey doesn´t like mess, so...And I know you don´t like it too.", I told her and put her bags to the living room, next to the couch.

She shooked her head and sighed happily. I could easily say she was excited to spend some time with me and I didn´t even believe it. This Sara was so different from the one I knew few weeks ago. She was hurt, broken, but also...she was the old Sara I knew since I was a kid. And I was enjoying the fact she was clingy with me.

I grabbed her bags and went to the other room with them, but suddenly Sara stopped me with her hand on my shoulder and I stopped and turned to her, curious.

„What is it, Sar?", I asked her, looking into her eyes, confused.

„Well...I...I was wondering if I couldn´t sleep with you. I can´t sleep when you´re not around.", she conffessed quietly that I almost couldn´t hear her. She was obviously embarrased for this, but I just smiled with my gummy smile. She was so cute when she was so vulnerable that I almost melted.

„Of course you can. There´s no problem with that.", I said to her and I changed my direction to my bedroom. The room was just as I left her – simple furniture, big bed with white sheets and a fresh smell of home.

As soon as I came there I jumped on the bed and sighed heavily. I was finally able to lay in my big super comfortable bed, at home. No more stress, no more waking up before 9 AM. I heard Sara´s soft giggle behind me.

„Finally a real bed, huh?", she asked me as she sat on the bed next to me. I didn´t move a muscle, I was so exhausted. I mean, the whole fucking tour we were sleeping in hotels with terrible beds or in our tourbus. That was the worst thing of the whole tour, I swear. And my back started hurting after that as hell.

I layed on my back and I felt a direct pain in my back, that forced me to close my eyes and a deep growl from the pain escaped my mouth. It didn´t last for a long time, but I hated that pain.

„Does your back hurt again?", Sara asked me softly and I just nodded, trying to ignore the pain I felt when I sat on the bed and looked at her.

„I can give you a back massage if you want.", she offered and I hesitated for a moment, while looking into her eyes. She never done something like that, but I guess it was the new Sara now, who was speaking and acting so nicely to me. And I liked that. And a back massage didn´t sound like a bad idea.

„Okay.", I said and I layed back on my stomach, my arms under my chin, waiting for her to start.

Soon I felt her climbing on me and I giggled a bit. She didn´t weight much and I liked that feeling of her being on me. She sat on my bum carefully, I knew she didn´t want to hurt me somehow.

„Is this okay? Am I too heavy?", she asked me and I chuckled.

„You weigh as much as a pillow, Sara.", I told her and I felt her giggle, because it sent vibes to my whole body.

After that she slowly put her small hands on my back and started with the massage. Her hands were so gentle, she made small circles around my whole back and I couldn´t, but moan from the feeling. I love back massages, I mean, who doesn´t? And Sara was really good at this.

„You know, it would be easier if you´ll take off your shirt.", she told me all of sudden and I opened my eyes, surprised that she suggested this. I turned my head lightly to her, to see her smirking face and I was thinking I am daydreaming or something.

„Uhm...", I didn´t know what to say, but she cut me off.

„Stay the way you are, I will take it off.", she told me and then I felt her hands on the hem of my black shirt, slowly pulling it over my upper body and head. Maybe I would even start complaining, but I was so confused and nervous a little, that I didn´t even think about it.

And so it happend, that I was under my younger sister half naked while she was massaging my back, and since those things I´ve been feeling a few days ago came back to me again, I started to feel the heat and I didn´t like it at all. Everytime her fingertips touched my naked skin, I felt the electricity between the touch shooting through my body.

It was back again. Shit. No. For fuck sake!

I hid my face in the pillow and tried to calm down and to think normal, but it was impossible, when I felt her touching me so gently. I mean, most of the time it was okay, when I was with her. I was trying to make her smile and just to make her happy, but when it came to things like this, when she started to touch me or she slept in my bed, in my arms even, it came back.

All these weird feelings I felt uncomfortable with. Most of all, I felt guilty about this. Maybe it was because we were so separated for so many years and now she started to acting like this and I am just confused or what and I don´t know how to feel about this. Or I am so lonely without Lindsey by my side, that I am starting to think about my own sister in this way. I wasn´t thinking about her like THAT, nope, just...When she touched me I felt so...weird. Shiiiit.

„Tegan?", she asked me, curiously.

„Yep?"

„Are you okay? Your whole body is burning.", she said and I cursed for myself. She must have felt that my body was on fire underneath hers. Fuck. I am seriously fucked up_, what´s wrong with me?_

„I guess it´s just a fever.", I told her and that´s when she kneeled beside me on the bed, turned me on my back and put her hand on my forehead.

„Just a fever? Tegan, that´s not a „just". You may get sick.", she said in a very serious and worried voice and I smiled.

„Aw, you care about me that much?", I asked her and she smacked my shoulder playfully.

„Dumbass. Of course I do.", she told me and shooked her head.

I just smiled at her. During the last couple of years we used to fight even physically and we didn´t care about each other much. When something happend to me, she just said something like „I couldn´t care less.", and she just walked away, even though I think she did care, she just didn´t want to show it. I was showing my care for her, but after those cold words she used to tell me I stopped to showing it and I was acting like her.

„I will get you something that will make you feel better.", she told me and she got up from bed, but I stopped her with my hand grabbing her wrist.

„Nope, it´s fine. I just need some rest after all of that. Stay here.", I said and I didn´t know what was I doing. I wanted to be with her all the time I could, but on the other side I was afraid of it. I trully was, because I knew something bad was running through my mind, body and ... heart.

Sara hesitated for a while, looking at me, but then she just smiled and layed down next to me, looking to the ceilling above her. Instead of doing the same, I looked at her. She looked very pretty when she was lost in her thoughs. Her eyes were just like mine, but otherwise her face was different and I liked that fact. She didn´t look so broken as she was few days ago, but she was still sad and I could sense it.

„What are you thinking about?", I asked her, bringing her back to Earth and she turned her head to me.

„I don´t even know. My mind is a mess right now.", she replied with a sight.

„Don´t worry, it will be fine. It just need some time.", I tried to comfort her with my words and I turned to the side to have a full view on her.

„You´re probably right.", she said quietly and I grabbed her hand and held it in my own. I didn´t know what else could I do to make her feel like she wasn´t alone. That was actually a positive thing about having a twin. You are never alone. Never.

After a couple of minutes in a complete silence I decided, that the best thing I could do was cheering her up. Enough with sad faces and deep thoughs of everything what happend. She needed to forget and I knew that only my crazy Tee side could make her smile and forget.

„Hey sis, what do you want to do?", I asked her and she turned her head to me, kind of surprised by my cheerful voice.

„I dunno.", she murmured and I thought what should we do. There were many ideas in my head, but I knew we weren´t about to go somewhere, since we were both tired as hell.

„Remember those times when we used to cook together?", I asked her and she giggled.

„Yeah, you mean when I was cooking and you couldn´t do anything without messing the whole kitchen up?"

I laughed at that memory. Sara hated mess, because of her OCD, but in that time she couldn´t do anything else, but laugh at my left hands. Of course, I had to clean it up all by myself, but it was fun and I loved that I could make her laugh with my dumbness. Her laugh was something that made me happy everytime I heard it.

„Well, I am sure Lindsey left some grocery, so we can cook something, ya know. I bet you´re just as hungry as I am.", I told her and she nodded.

„Starving.", she said and I got up from bed, taking her with me.

Well, the whole cooking looked just as I imagined it. Of course I got the whole kitchen messed up with eggs and flour and Sara was just rolling her eyes while she was doing the real cooking. And so when she was so serious, I threw some flour on her and that´s when the whole kitchen fight started. It was a lot of laughing and I swear we both had the flour everywhere and by everywhere I mean literally EVERYWHERE.

Even though Sara wasn´t as strong as me and I could easily win the whole fight, I let her win by her grabbing full fist of flour and throwing it to my face. I had full mouth of flour but I didn´t mind it, because Sara was laughing so hard she had to catch her breath.

Unfortunately, we got so into the fight, that the thing we were cooking (and I don´t even know what it was) burned and we had to order some pizza.

But it was worth. It was a very long time since I´ve seen Sara so happy. She wasn´t angry, she didn´t look sad – she was just laughing during our twin fights with flour and that was the thing I wanted to happen. I succed. She forgot about everything at least for half and hour.

As a winner, she was the first one to use the bathroom to take a long shower. Meanwhile I was trying to get the flour off my skin in the kitchen, but it was impossible, I was still white as a ghost, so I rather didn´t move from kitchen because I didn´t want to mess up the rest of the house.

The worst thing was, that I couldn´t see. I had flour in my eyes and I couldn´t get it out of there, so I was holding a chair, because I was afraid of falling down.

„Tegan! You can use the bathroom now!", I heard Sara screaming and I went in the direction where I heard her soft voice.

As I was getting the rest of the flour out of my eyes, I didn´t look where I was walking and I accidentally bump into something, and when I felt it was a person, I knew it was Sara, who whimpered a little.

I quickly got my fingers out of my eyes and looked at her, ready to apologize, but when I saw her, my jaw dropped and I wasn´t able to say a word.

As I bumped into her, her towel fell down from her body to the floor and she was standing there, right in front of me, naked. My whole body was suddenly on fire, my heart was beating incredibly fast and I couldn´t close my mouth or say anything.

Her body was just so hot and I know it´s wrong to think like this about my own sister, but I can´t lie to my own self. She didn´t look like me – she was smaller and thinier and just...wow.

She was looking into my eyes, and instead of saying something like „Tegan! You fucking piece of shit, look where you´re going and stop staring at me like that!", she smirked and looked down, then she grabbed her towel and got it back to where it was.

„I-I-I am s-sorry, I didn´t m-mean t-to.", I told her in my shaky voice and she giggled.

„It´s okay, but my eyes are up here.", she whispered into my ear as she walked pass me and I think I died right there on the spot.


	4. Not Tonight

**A/N: Hey guys! Hopefully you will like this chapter :) REVIEW **

**Chapter 4: Not Tonight**

I was shaking during the whole shower. I couldn´t not think about what I just saw. For fuck sake, she was my own sister, my twin! But when I saw her like this, naked, it made me feel things I shouldn´t feel for real. And the thing she did, I swear she did it on purpose, like she wanted to make me feel like this. That scared me even more than my own thoughs.

When I finished and I finally got all the flour off me, I stepped out of the shower and I dried myself, then wrapped a towel around my body and I made myself sure it wont fall down. Shit, I was still trembling and I didn´t know what to do, how to look at Sara. But I had to. I had to pretend nothing happend, even though I knew I am not such a great actress.

I walked out of the bathroom back into my bedroom and I saw Sara there, laying in my bed in her boy shorts and a white T-shirt, reading some book that she brought with her. It was something from John Irving, I knew she liked his books, but I didn´t know what they were about. Honestly, I didn´t really care right now, because I was too nervous.

Sara noticed that I walked into the room and she smirked at my nervous expression. She could easily see that there was something wrong with me, that I didn´t feel very comfortable with the thing that happend to us. I don´t know if I could read so well from her face, but she looked like it was funny for her, like she was enjoying it.

I was always the twin, that was more into society, you know. I could easily find new friends, I was partying a lot and Sara was the one, who rather stayed at home, reading some book with a cup of coffee in her hand. And maybe this is why I am so simple – people can easily read my thoughs and they don´t wait something that will surprise them from me. But Sara, she was always so...complicated, even for me. Sometimes, she was really happy, then in a split of a second she turned into a very quiet and sad person. I didn´t know if she was sad or just lost in her thoughs, but most of the time I could sense it. People never understood her very well, not even her girlfriends. Not even Emy could understand her. Noone could read her mind. I was the closest one, but still. She was too hard for me to read.

And this was the moment that it happend again. I was so fucking simple – she could see what I was feeling, she could see why was I acting so weird, why was I so nervous and blushing even. But I couldn´t tell what was she thinking. A few days ago, she was broken as hell. When she was with me, she was healed for a moment, then she started to playing with me like this. And I didn´t know if she mean it, or she was just making fun of me or what. Either way, it scared the shit out of me.

I stopped looking at her and I grabbed some boxers out of the drawer and also a black T-shirt with Korn logo on it. I went to the bathroom, but Sara´s voice stopped me.

„You can change in front of me, I wont mind it, Tee. You already saw me today.", she said and with these words she just added some wood into the fire that was in my whole body in the moment. It wouldn´t be so weird, if she didn´t say it in such an _teasy _voice.

I didn´t know what to do. I just stood there and I seriously felt like there was nothing I could do in this situation. But then I took a deep breath and turned around to face her.

„Are you serious, Sar?", I asked her and I raised both of my eyebrown, trying to look like I am bothered by the thing she just suggested, but as I already said, I am not a good actress. Normally I would just give her my middle finger or I will laugh, but this time it was just different. I was a mess.

„Well, I am not the one that couldn´t get her eyes from my naked body.", she told me and my jaw dropped as these words escaped her mouth. This crossed the line and I didn´t have anything to say back, so I just ran back to the bathroom and I locked myself in there.

„Fuck!", I cursed, then I sat on the cold floor and I rested my back against the door. I was seriously fucked up. If this was happening to me a few months ago, I would know we are just joking around, but right now, with all those unaproppriate things on my mind I felt terrible and I knew I couldn´t lie to her.

A few tears ran down my face, I couldn´t help it. I wasn´t used to cry, but right now I didn´t know what else to do. This was just something that I couldn´t get through, it was too much for me to take. I didn´t know what was going on, I was so fucking confused.

„Tegan! Open the doors! Sorry, I-I didn´t mean to hurt you or something. Please...", I heard Sara calling from the doors and I sighed.

The last thing I wanted right now was to worry Sara, when the reason she is here is to make her forget and to make her happy again. I didn´t want to fuck up her feelings even more than they were already. I couldn´t do it to her.

So I slowly got up from the floor, I wiped the tears away from my face and I opened the doors for Sara. As soon as I did so, she hugged me tightly and I sighed in her arms. It felt so good to be in her arms like this. She felt always so right, like nobody else...

„I am sorry, TeeTee. I didn´t mean to say that, you know I was just joking, right?", she asked me as she brought her face closer to me, her eyes locked with mine and I just nodded, my whole body was still shaking.

„N-no, I am the one who should apologize. I-I shouldn´t stare like that.", I told her and she saw how nervous I was and she smiled a bit and looked down.

„Well, I will take it as a compliment from you.", she said in a very quiet voice and I swear we just had a moment. Fuck. This was too crazy to be true.

I just smiled at her, when her eyes looked back into mine. After a few seconds she got her hands off me and she just stood there.

„Get your clothes on, okay?", she said softly and she left me alone in the bathroom.

I quickly got my boxers and the T-shirt on and I washed my face in the cold water. I swear I am not going to survive this. What the fuck is this? It´s getting only worse each day I am with her and she is noticing it too and...I just don´t know. This isn´t going to end up well.

When I was ready (or I thought I was), I walked to the bedroom, she was laying in the bed, looking to the ceilling with her hands on her stomach. I slowly walked to the bed and I climbed in, right next to her.

„Can I turn the lights off?", I asked her and she turned her head to mine, smiled a bit and nodded, so I did so.

We were laying there in a complete silence and I was looking out of the window to the beautiful night sky, stars were shining right into my face. Of course I didn´t even think about sleeping. My heart was still beating faster than it should and I knew that the fact Sara was right next to me didn´t help it either.

„Can´t sleep?", I heard her asking softly and I turned to her, surprised that she knew I wasn´t sleeping.

„How do you know?", I asked curiously and she giggled a bit.

„I can hear your breathing. When you´re asleep, you breathe differently.", she explained to me. So she was listening to my breathing? I guess she could hear eat, sure she could, there was a complete silence in the room.

„But you should go to sleep.", I told her.

Instead of listening to me, she turned to her side to face me and she stroked my cheek softly. I shivered at the contact and I guess she could feel it, because she took her hand away from my face.

„What´s wrong, Tee? Is it still about the thing that happend? I told you I am sorry. I don´t want to make you angry or to fight with you. Remember our deal?", she said to me and I sighed.

She tried so hard to make our relationship work. I´ve never seen her care about us this much. She really didn´t want to fight, she wanted just a peace and that´s what I wanted too.

„I am not angry, Sasa.", I told her in a soft voice.

„Then what is it?"

What was I about to say? That in the last couple of days I am feeling these things I shouldn´t? That when I saw her tonight naked I was thinking about her in a way that´s inappropriate for her sister? But she was my twin. She could almost read my mind and she knew when I was lying to her. She knew me to well and I was sure as hell she suspected at least a little what was going on with me.

„Sara, I...I think there is something wrong with me. But I really don´t want to talk about it. You are here because it´s about you, not me. I don´t want you to be worried about some stupid thing that´s going on with me.", I said and I felt her hand on my own.

She was silent for a while, still looking into my eyes, like she tried to read my mind. She wanted to know what was going on with me. And I know she knew it. She had to. There was no way she didn´t know it, I could see it in her eyes.

Then she moved her body closer to mine, she rested her hand on my stomach and her face on my shoulder. I was thinking she understood that I didn´t want to talk about it, so she just snuggled to me and let the sleep take over her, but before she fell asleep, she whispered something into my ear.

„Maybe there is something wrong with us both, Tegan."

**The next morning**

The hand that was softly stroking my stomach woke me up. I knew it was Sara´s way of waking me up, because she was probably ready for the next day, but she didn´t want to wake me up in a way I wont like.

But I would like some other way more, even though it would be screaming into my face, because those strokes were making me feel butterflies in my stomach and that was wrong, AGAIN.

„Did I wake you up?", she asked me innocently and I smirked.

„Don´t act innocent, you did it on purpose.", I said to her and I grabbed her hand that was rested on my stomach and held it in my own.

She giggled into my neck and moved her leg so it was between mine and that made me even more nervous, but I tried not to think so serious about it. That was the only way I could survive it. But I have to tell you, that it was a perfect feeling, to be so close to her. She was very soft and I liked that feeling of her being snuggled into me. She was so warm...

„Well, don´t say you didn´t like waking up like that? Would it be better if I would wake you up with a „Tegan, move your lazy ass and get the fuck out of the bed"?", she asked me and I giggled.

„That´s how you used to waking me up.", I reminded her.

„Yeah, I know. That´s why I´m telling you this."

„But you are at my house, remember? My house, my rules. I can sleep until I want.", I told her and I turned to the other side, closed my eyes and smiled, because I knew it was irritating her.

„Tee, it´s noon already! How can you sleep for so long?", she asked me and I didn´t reply to that. I kept my eyes closed, even though I wasn´t going to sleep. I was just playing with her.

„Tegan! Wake up!", she shouted at me, but I heard her giggling into that.

„Make me!", I murmured to the sheets my face was burried in and I should have known, that this was a very bad thing to say.

As soon as I said it, I felt her whole body on my back and I gasped from the sudden weight on my back. It made me open my eyes wide. I tried to get her off of me, but she wasn´t going to loose so easily.

„You´re going to regret this, TeeTee!", she said in a playful voice and then she started tickling me.

When we were little kids, we used to have these tickle fights. I was always the stronger one, but she knew all my weak places and I was super-tickle person. So even though I was stronger than her, as soon as she started to tickling me, I couldn´t do anything, but laugh.

„Saraaaaaaaa!", I screamed and I still tried to get her down from my body, but she was still on me, her long fingers tickling my sides and my stomach.

After a while she couldn´t help herself, she started laughing too, because my laugh was just too funny for her. When she started to laugh uncontrollably, I took the opportunity and I quickly shook her off myself and I switched our positions, so I was on top of her and I held her wrists above her head, my face just inches apart from hers.

We were just looking into each others eyes and I felt the heat of the moment. She was surprised that I was able to fight her off, but she didn´t say anything. She was just looking into my eyes, her mouth opened a little and I did the same.

„Are you getting up now?", she asked me after a few minutes of just staring into each others eyes with a small smile written on her face.

„You gave me no other option."

That day we didn´t go anywhere. Both Sara and I wanted to chill for a few days, just at home. We had enough of society for a few days, because of all that touring and stuff and all we needed was each others presence.

I was watching TV, there was some football going on and I didn´t even know who was playing, but I just wanted to enjoy the game, with beer in my right hand. Sara was sitting next to me, reading her book and because I didn´t want to bother her, I silented the TV, so I was watching it without the sound.

„I wont mind it if you´ll watch it with sound, Tee.", she told me, never leaving the book with her eyes.

„Don´t worry Sar, I don´t need to hear some men commenting on what´s going on, I can see it.", I replied to her and she smiled sweetly, appreciating the fact how much I cared about her, that I even silented the football game because of her.

„Anyways, they suck today.", I said and I turned the TV off.

„What are you reading about?", I asked her curiously.

„Uhm, it´s a very...psychologic thing, you don´t like books like this.", she said to me and I raised one ofmy eyebrows.

„What about?", I asked.

„A family.", she said and I could have seen she wasn´t about to tell me what is it about, so I gave up on trying and just continued drinking my beer.

We were both quiet for like 10 minutes and my mind was going through a lot of stuff. I had to remind myself that this was all about Sara and that I have to help her with her issues. But I couldn´t stop thinking about the things that happend between us since she came to my house. I knew it was only going to be worse and I had to keep in my mind, that I have to be calm.

„Sara?", I asked her.

„Hm?"

„You still didn´t tell me what happend between you and Emy."

I know I shouldn´t ask her, I promised that to myself, but I was just curious. I didn´t want to make her feel sad again, but I just wanted to know. I wanted to know what could have happend, when these two broke up after all those years they were together.

Sara looked away from her book for the first time and she looked very seriously at me, then she closed the book and put it on the table in front of us.

„It wasn´t because of her, as you are probably thinking, Tegan.", she said and I raised both of my eyebrows in disbelief. This was something I really wasn´t waiting for. I thought that Emy did something wrong, not Sara. She was treating all her girlfriends very well and she had a huge respect for them.

Sara saw that I didn´t know what to say, so she continued.

„It´s not her fault, so please don´t blame her for this. I was the one who did all of this, who lied to her and who broke her heart so she had to break up with me.", she said and I saw the first tears running down her face.

„I-I told her the truth. I told her, that I am not in love with her as I wished I was. I told her that-that I am in love with someone else and she just lost it and started screaming and crying.", she sobbed and I quickly pulled her into a tight hug.

I couldn´t believe what she just told me. She was in love with someone else? What the hell?! I never knew her and Emy´s relationship wasn´t real. Emy really loved her and I though Sara loved Emy too, because everytime I saw them together, they both looked so happy. Was Sara really such an awesome actress, that she pretended she was in love with Emy for so long? Or someone just came into their relationship as a third wheel and messed up everything?

„Shhh.", I tried to comfort her, but she was still sobbing and crying hard.

And this is another thing I didn´t understand. Sara was always a very honest person. Why was she with Emy, when she didn´t love her? And a better quiestion is, why was she so broken and sad when they broke up? I didn´t understand anything that was going on. It was all too crazy, even for me.

„Tegan...you´re going to hate me for this.", she whispered to me as she pulled away from the hug and I didn´t know what was she talking about.

„Why would I hate you? There´s no way I will ever hate you, Sar.", I told her, wiping her tears away, but more of them came.

And that´s when it happend.

All of sudden, I felt her lips crashing into mine and the whole Universe stopped in that moment, when she kissed me for the first time like that. Her smooth lips moved on mine and after a few seconds of being in shock, I closed my eyes and I kissed her back with all I had. That surprised her, because she gasped. She didn´t expect me to kiss her back, but I really did it.

My mind went down. All that was managing my whole body were my feelings. When she felt I was kissing her back, she put her hands around my neck and she brought herself closer to me. I put my hands on her waist and I felt the heat from her body. It was the most intensive moment of my life. Her lips were so soft and when she kissed me, I felt something I never felt in my entire life. Not even Lindsey made me feel like this – like I just kissed my soulmate. Someone, who was completing me.

After 2 minutes of kissing, we both pulled away, because we needed some air to kick in. We were both breathing hard and looking into each others eyes, her forehead resting against mine.

„You are the reason I broke up with Emy. Only you.", she whispered to me and my mind was slowly starting to take control of my body again. I started realizing what just happend and I looked down.

My sister just kissed me.

I kissed her back.

She broke up with her long time girlfriend because she is in love with me.

And I feel, that I may be in love with her too.

„How could you hide it for so long? I couldn´t hide it even for 3 days.", I told her and she giggled a bit.

„Guess I am the good one at hiding feelings.", she whispered.

For a few minutes we were just looking at each other. It really happend. We kissed. I wasn´t expecting this to happen, _never,_ in my entire life. But it happend. If I only knew that THIS was the reason Sara was so clingy with me. If I only knew, that I was the only person, who could make her forget about Emy, because she was actually in love with me. If I only knew, that I was going to slowly fell in love with her too...

„Is this the reason you were so angry at me during the tour?", I asked her in a whisper and she smiled weakly and nodded.

„I didn´t know what else to do, Tegan. It was the worse thing I ever felt. I was completely hopeless. I couldn´t stand Emy as my girlfriend anymore and when we broke up, it made me even more angry. I was thinking, that maybe it will make you go away from me, maybe you will just break off the band and I will never see you again. And I will forget about you. But then, when we had that fight, I realized I can´t live without you. I really can´t.", she explained to me, a few tears escaped her eyes, but I quickly wiped them away with my thumb.

„Sara...", I whispered, because I couldn´t stand to see her so sad.

And now I knew that I was the reason she was so broken. No Emy, but me. How could I not see that she felt something to me? Well, it´s Sara. First of all, I never thought about it, because she is my SISTER. And second, she really_ can_ hide her feelings _good_. Very good. Even from her own twin, her other half.

„Did you kiss me back just because you feel sorry for me?", she shot a direct question that left me out of my breath.

„Of course not, Sar. I would never do that just because of that.", I replied to her and stroked her cheek softly with my right hand.

„So...you-you can feel something...too?", she asked me shyly and she sounded like a 5-years old kid, who is asking her mother for a lollipop.

I giggled a bit and smiled as the memories of our awkward moments from the last few days came to my mind. I felt so stupid.

„Isn´t it obvious? Did you see me yesterday?", I asked her and she smiled.

I leaned over and I kissed her again. This time it was more passionate and I even had my tongue inside of her mouth, massaging her own tongue softly. She moaned to the kiss and I smiled against her lips, because it was the sweetest noise she ever made.

We pulled away and she looked into my eyes like she was honestly in love with me and she smiled, I smiled back. But suddenly, her face turned into a very sad expression.

„Tegan...you know how wrong is this, right?", she started, but I shushed her with my finger on her lips.

„Listen to me, Sara. I know, I know how wrong it is. But can we deal with those things tomorrow? Today, I just...I just want to be with you like there is nothing wrong with that. Like there is noone else but us. Can we do that, please?", I asked her and she smiled.

„Since I am Canadian and you said „please", I have to say yes.", she told me and I smiled with my gummy smile.

I was scared. Yes, I was and I am not denying it, but when I saw Sara´s sad eyes, I wanted her to know that it isn´t hopeless. Of course I thought it was all wrong and I was blaming myself for feeling this way, but now I knew I wasn´t alone in this. And I knew I couldn´t turn my back to her now, when she conffessed her love for me. It would be so selfish if I would just run away from her, even though I am feeling the same way about her.

This is the time for me to be the big sister, to protect her and to be by her side. This is the time to be strong and to be the real Tegan. That means I wont deny these feelings anymore and I will be honest with myself and also with her. I wont walk away. I will fight for this. I will fight for us and I wont be afraid of it. I have to be strong, for both of us.

We both walked to my bedroom and we layed on the bed, only in our underwear. No, don´t think about it in the sexual way. We just wanted to cuddle for the rest of the day and we wanted to feel comfortable. Even though it wasn´t easy to cuddle with Sara only in her white tank top and black Calvin Klein boxers that were hidding her intimate area, without thinking about _it_.

I held her in my arms, her head was rested on my chest and her hand was softly rubbing my tummy, only making me feel like a horny teenager.

„Sara?"

„Yeah?"

„Can you please stop with that? I am sure you don´t want my hormones to take control over my body.", I said to her and she giggled and looked up to me.

„How do you know?", she whispered to me and then kissed my neck, but harder than I expected. I was sure she´ll left a hickey on that spot and I left out a small moan, that only made her smile against my skin.

She moved up my neck, jaw, leaving small marks and then she finally got to my lips and she kissed me slowly at first, but then I felt all that heat in the kiss and my heart started beating fast and I couldn´t breathe normally. Shit, she was really doing _things_ to me and my body was responding.

I felt both of her hands under my shirt, softly stroking my stomach and both of my hands were in her hair, encouraging her to do what she wanted to. But I wasn´t sure about it. I hoped it was only a make out session, because we just...we just conffessed our love for each other, it was too soon to do something like _that_.

„Mpf, Sara...", I moaned. My body didn´t want her to stop, but my mind did. I wanted her so fucking much, but I also knew it will be better for both of us if we will wait.

„What is it?", she whispered into my ear in a very seductive voice that was killing me.

„W-we should wait with this. Don´t get me wrong, I would love to do that right here right now, but I want to wait. Because I respect you and this what we have.", I explained to her and she looked me in the eye and smiled sweetly.

„Awwww, TeeTee...You care so much about me.", she said and she kissed my lips once again, but this time it was her way to say „thank you".

„But it doesn´t mean we can´t continue with this, if I will stop it soon enough, right?", she asked me, seductively again and I couldn´t say no to her. I just smirked and kissed her deeply, enjoying that feeling of her tongue in my mouth, fighting for dominance with my own.

She moved her hands from my stomach to my wrists and she pinned them above my head so I couldn´t move and I liked it, actually. I never guessed Sara could be so...dominate like this, but I wasn´t complaining about it. I throw my brain together with my thoughs away and I let my feelings and heart to control everything I was doing.

Sara kept on kissing me, then she moved to my neck and started marking me again by sucking on my skin hard and my eyes were rolling to the back of my head, it felt just that amazing. Her right thigh moved between my legs and I let out a deep moan, feeling myself getting wet as hell.

„I guess this is the part I should stop, or you will cum in a few.", she whispered to me and giggled, then pulled herself away from me and layed down next to me.

I had to calm myself down. My whole body was trembling from the excitment, I was breathing hard and I could hear my heart beating really fast. My mouth was wide opened and Sara was laughing next to me, because of my reaction to those things she did to me.

„Well, I didn´t even try so much and look what I did to you.", she said to me in a playful tone and I turned my head to her and smiled.

„You know you are torturing me, right?", I asked her and she smiled cockily, proud of herself.

The rest of the day we spent in my bed. She was in my arms all the time. We were talking for a couple of minutes, then we just layed in a pure silence and we listened to each others breathing and heartbeats. It was all about enjoying each others presence, until we could.

She fell asleep somewhere around 7 PM, but I was still awake. I was afraid of tomorrow, because I knew wha was coming. It was the day we will start to deal what we just experienced about each other. It was going to be the day, that the hell will start for the both of us.

And all I wished was, that I wouldn´t wake up, but I will be just sleeping with Sara in my arms forever.


	5. Terrible Storm

**Chapter 5: Terrible Storm  
**

It was 6 in the morning, when I was fully awake and I couldn´t sleep. Sara was still sleeping, with her head on my chest and her arms around my belly, it made me smile a bit. She was in a restful sleep, I heard her steady breathing and it made me very calm. Just the feeling of her body on mine made me feel like everything was like it´s supposed to be.

My mind went slowly to those things that happend to us. Maybe I knew about this a lot sooner, I just didn´t exactly know what it was. What if I felt like this my whole life and I just didn´t know what it was, I didn´t know what to do?...

Well, I always felt very protective around Sara, since our childhood. When someone was going to hurt her, even if it was our mom only with her words, I was always there for her and I always protected her, no matter what. I read somewhere, that twins believe each other more, than they believe anybody else, even if it´s their own mother. And that´s true. When my mom was about to throw shit at Sara, I always stood by her side and I never let mom to hurt her in any way possible.

We always had our own world we lived in, when we were small kids. I remeber that. We never left each others side and we were holding hands for most of the time. It was our own world, we never needed anybody else in it. Just her and me and that was it. The first problems began when we went to the Elementary school and we got into different classes. It was our mothers idea, becase she thought we spend _too much _time together and it wasn´t good for us. We needed to get into the society and that just literally broke me.

I remember the first day of school like it was yesterday...

_I was sitting in the back of the class and I never felt so bad as I felt in that moment. I was there alone, without her and it was killing me. All those other kids I didn´t know where smiling, laughing and playing games, but I was just sitting there quietly, all by myself._

_After some time, they started noticing my presence there and they started whispering, looking at me like I was an alien and they were laughing at me. Because I was alone. And I didn´t want to be a part of the society they were in. I just wanted Sara by my side._

_If only she was there with me, I wouldn´t care if someone else was there, making fun of me or what. She was all I needed to feel comfortable, safe and not alone._

_During the classes I didn´t even pay attention to the teacher. All I could think about was Sara. I was worried that something might happen to her. What if someone attacked her? What if someone made fun of her like they made from me? I wanted to be with her so badly, I felt that her piece of me was missing, but I couldn´t do anything about it._

_When I got home, I hugged her really tightly and I didn´t even want to let her go. I wanted to hold her forever, but after some time I decided to pull away from the hug. When I looked into her eyes, I saw that there was something different in them._

_„So, how was your first day, girls?", our mother asked us as we were sitting on the couch next to her, I was holding Sara´s hand._

_„It was great! I have new friend, her namy is Kate and she is really cool. We were talking almost all day.", Sara said and that´s when something inside of me broke._

_I almost didn´t survive the first day, that´s how bad I felt without her. She was my twin, my other half and we were never separated, until that day. And she...she found a new friend. She didn´t look like she missed me or she was as scared as I was. Nope. She found someone else and I felt jealousy growing inside of me. _

_„That is great, Sara! And what about you, Tegan?", mom asked me and I couldn´t handle it anymore._

_I stood on my feet and I ran to our room, tears falling down my face as I cried hard. I locked myself inside of my and Sara´s room, I sat in the corner of the room and I cried...And cried..._

That memory was very painful. Actually, it was something that inspired me to write „The Con." Since that moment in my life, I cried a lot. Mom asked me what was wrong, if someone bullied me in the school or what, but I never told her what was wrong with me. I guess she could figure it our by herself, but I never said it aloud. Not even to Sara.

I was too proud to admit that I was nothing without Sara, I was barely surviving and she was acting like it was not a big deal. I never told her how I felt about that and as the time passed and we grew older, we lost that pure connection we had as a kids and a lot of things changed.

I started to be more into society, because I had to. I found some friends and I tried not to be in Sara´s presence for too long. I wanted so badly to be like her, to be the one that didn´t need the other, but it was impossible. Even though we fought a lot and I was acting like I didn´t care, I was always there for her. Even after what happend, I always wiped her tears when she cried, I always listened to her when she had some problems and I always protected her when someone tried to hurt her.

Sara ... she was different. Even though she was the first one that got into the society succesfully, after some time she started to be more quiet and she got lost into her own world of fantasy, because of those books she always read. I knew that there was something that was bothering her, but I never said anything. I was there for her. That´s all she needed.

„What are you thinking about?", I heard her softly asking me and I looked at her sleepy face and weak smile. She was probably awake for a while, but I was so lost in my thoughs I didn´t even notice.

„I was thinking about our first day in school.", I said honestly and she sighed, knowing what I meant.

„That´s when we started to loosing each other.", I added and she slowly sat up on the bed and then she moved on top of me, kneeling on my stomach, looking right into my eyes.

„I did it on purpose, Tegan.", she said and I frowned, confused by her words.

„How do you mean that?"

She sighed again, looking down and then her eyes find their way to mine again.

„I just wanted to try how it would be without you. I wanted to somehow break that what we had, because it was scaring me.", she whispered to me and I opened my mouth, even though I didn´t know what should I say. It hurt me.

„W-why would you do that? Sara, it was the best thing in my life. You were the best thing in my life, you still are. That connection we had, it was so pure.", I said and I felt a single tear falling down my cheek. Sara noticed it and wiped it away softly with her thumb.

„I-I didn´t mean it like that, TeeTee. Of course I loved it and it was really hard for me too, maybe even harder than it was for you. I just didn´t show it. I was scared, because...Some kids in my class started making fun of us, they said that it´s weird we are always together and that day I heard my mom talking to my teacher, saying that it´s better to be separated, because we need to find our own ways to the society.", she explained to me, while she softly stroke my cheek, tears still forming in my eyes.

„B-but why did you believe them? Do you know how hurt I was? How many nights I cried because of it? I thought you didn´t like me anymore, I thought I did something wrong and I felt so fucking alone!", I said loudly, but I didn´t scream. I didn´t want to fight with her, I just wanted her to know how I felt, how hurt I was.

„Tegan, please, don´t cry. I am sorry, I really am. I fucked up...", she said and I saw a few tears rolling down her face. That was even worse, to see her crying, so I sat up and I pulled her into a hug. I made big circles on her back with my hand and I took her scent into me, feeling like I was home.

„It´s okay, Sar. I don´t want you to feel bad for that. We were both just kids back then.", I whispered into her ear and she pulled back from the hug, resting her forehead against mine.

„When we grew older, it got only worse.", she whispered and I could see sadness and pain in her eyes, that were locked with mine, as she said it.

„What exactly do you mean?", I asked her, but suddenly we both heard the bell ringing and she jerked away from me from the shock. Actually, I was shocked even more, my heart was beating fast and I was only praying, that it wasn´t Lindsey. That would literally ruin our time we needed to spend together to figure everything out.

„A-are you waiting for someone?", Sara asked as she nervously got up from the bed and I shooked my head, following her and putting my black oversized hoodie and some shorts on.

„Stay here.", I told her as I walked out of the room, down the stairs to the front door. I took a deep breath and prayed once more, before I opened the door.

Well, if I thought that it will be bad if it was Lindsey, this was even worse.

„Hi, Tegan, honey!", my mom greeted me and she pulled me into a tight hug. I don´t know how my face looked in the moment, because I felt surprised, shocked and scared all at once. Not that I wasn´t happy to see my mother after all those long months on tour, but this wasn´t a good time for her to come to my house.

„Hey, mom. What are you doing here?", I asked her and she pulled away from the hug, studying my face.

„Am I interrupting something?", she asked, her face serious and I just smiled and shooked my head.

„No, don´t worry, Lindsey is not at home.", I informed her, because I knew exactly what she thought.

Suddenly, her face lighten up even more than when she saw me a minute ago, she was looking over my shoulder. I turned around and saw Sara standing there in her PJ´s, her arms crossed at her chest and I knew it meant she felt like she had to protect herself.

„Sara! You´re here with you´re sister after such a long tour? That´s great! I am so happy you are spending some time together!", my mom shouted and she walked past me to give Sara a big hug.

Sara hesitated, but hugged her back, and while they were hugging, she locked her eyes with mine and I saw that pure sadness and guilt in them, it sent shivers and a bad feeling through my whole body.

Our mother was here in the worst time possible. After everything that happend in the past days, I knew that this was something we couldn´t make without feeling terrible. I felt that Sara felt even worse than me, it was too much for her to handle, but she tried to hide it. We couldn´t just show that there is something going on between us in front of our mother, so we had to act like everything´s okay.

„How long have you been here?", mom asked Sara as we all walked to my living room and we sat on the couch, mom looked pretty tired from the ride to here.

„A few days. We wanted to spend some time together, you know. Just some sister times, without thinking about work and stuff.", she explained to her and all her emotions were perfectly hidden, again. I was seriously amazed by this, she could be an actress, if she couldn´t sing.

„That´s great. Well, I came to Vancouver to see you, Tegan and then to see some family members, so I´m not gonna stay for a long time.", she said.

„It´s okay, mom. Stay as long as you want to. Do you want a coffee or something to eat?", I asked her and I stood up slowly.

„Uh, sure. It was a long ride.", she said and I started walking to the kitchen, but then I saw Sara standing too.

„I am gonna help her, you know that she can´t cook so well and we don´t want to poison you.", she joked and I rolled my eyes and smiled a bit, then we both dissapeared in the kitchen, Sara closed the door.

She leaned against the door and burried her face in her hands, I quickly walked to her and held her in my arms, knowing that this was just too much, even for her. She tried to act normal, but even Sara wasn´t _that _strong to handle this kind of situation.

„H-how can we even look her in the eyes?", she sobbed into my shoulder and I held her tighter.

This was the most fucked up situation. Yeah, we wanted to start dealing with it today, but not like this. It all came to us like a hurricane and now we didn´t know what do to. I didn´t know what to do, I mean, Sara was crying into my shoulder and I was about to cry too, but I knew I was supposed to be the strong one now.

„Shhh, Sar, look at me.", I whispered to her. She slowly looked at me, shaking in my hands and I tried to comfort her as much as I could, because it was killing me to see her like that.

„Everything will be fine, okay? I am here with you. Just act like nothing happend and she will leave without even suspecting something.", I whispered to her, her forehead rested against mine.

„B-but I don´t know if I can do that. Lie to our own mother like that.", she said weakly and I sighed heavily, knowing that she was 100% right about this, but we HAD to hide it. We couldn´t just tell her what happend, even if we wanted to.

„Plus, she´s a therapist. She can see if there´s something wrong with us."

„Yeah, but...We have to try it. She wont suspect anything, just believe me and get yourself together. I am right by your side, okay?", I said and she looked into my eyes and she kept looking into them for a moment, then she smiled a bit and nodded.

„We should make her that breakfast.", she said and then we started with it. I was actually only watching Sara, as she was making some eggs and bacon and I was lost in my thoughs, while she was doing her magic.

„Are you going to just stand there or you´ll help me?", she asked me with a smile and I smiled back at her. She looked just adorable when she was doing something in kitchen.

„Sorry, you said I´m going to poison our mom.", I said and she giggled and shooked her head, then she took the plate with the breakfast and walked back to the living room, where was our mom waiting.

„Thank you, Sara.", mom said and started eating.

„I´m going to get dressed.", Sara informed us and before she left to my bedroom, she sent me a quick look that said something like „handle it, I will be right back" and I just nodded and looked back at mom.

„So, how was the tour?", she asked me.

„Well, it went pretty good. Once one crazy fan jumped on the stage, but thankfully she didn´t hurt us or anything.", I said and I laughed at the memory of that girl. She was just so excited she couldn´t stay down in the audience. Sara was pissed off because of that, but I wasn´t . If I was on concert of my favourite band, I would probably try something like that too.

„Really? Wow. Your fans are sometimes really...crazy.", she said and I nodded.

„Yeah, well. We are driving them crazy, it´s our fault.", I said and I leaned my back against the couch, still kind of sleepy.

Mom was eating and I felt her eyes on me, like she was thinking about something really hard. I tried not to think about the worst things that could go through her mind and I just cleared my own mind for a moment, but then she spoke.

„Why is Sara here?", she asked me and I looked at her with my eyebrows raised.

„What do you mean why? She told you the reason already. We want to spend some time together, because we...well, we fought a lot and now we want to get things right somehow.", I explained to her and she nodded slowly.

„You fought again?", she asked me, really concerned about this.

„Yeah, it was horrible.", I said and I remembered that fight. It was the worst fight we ever had...

„Why?"

I swallowed hard and looked at her. Our mom was a therapist and she always kept asking us stuff. Even when something small happend between us, she was asking us a million questions and it was pissing us both off. It was like she was our therapist more than she was our mom.

„Sara and Emy broke up.", I said to her and that´s when Sara walked back to the living room, I saw that she heard my words, because her face went sad again.

Mom opened her mouth in disbelief and she turned to Sara that sat next to her by her other side without a word. This was a very sensitive subject, for both of us. Emy was like a part of our family, I mean, they were married! And Sara told me, that...they basically broke up because of me. Because of those feelings Sara has towards me...

„For God sake, why?! And why don´t I know about it?", mom asked Sara and she was still shocked, not in a very positive way, because she really loved Emy. I mean, who doesn´t love Emy, she is just too sweet and too kind to everyone.

„Mom, it´s my own bussines. We just broke up, okay? It didn´t work anymore.", she said, obviously annoyed with this and mom just shooked her head.

„You are unbelievable, Sara. I still don´t understand why didn´t you tell me anything? You could call me at least.", she said and we both knew mom was dissapointed in her, because she didn´t tell her such an important thing.

„Sorry, mom. It was just...pretty tough for me and I needed some time.", she explained to her.

„Oh, okay. I understand.", she said and then she hugged her.

„And why did you two fight because of it?", mom asked us then and Sara gave me a very bad look. I knew I deserved it for not keeping my big mouth shut.

„I was just too angry and...Poor Tegan wanted to help me, but I was just being a bitch.", Sara explained to her and she slowly nodded. She didn´t say anything else and we started some new topic to avoid this subject.

Mom stayed until the afternoon. We talked about the tour and about her and Bruce and other typical things. Both me and Sara still felt guilty, but for some time we didn´t think about it and we were just enjoying our mom´s presence. We both missed her, I mean, we didn´t see her for a long time and even though we are already 27 years old, we still have a strong relationship with her. She was always there for us, no matter what was happening. And who knows, maybe it wont last like that for much longer...

Anyways, when our mom left us, with us promising we will come to visit her soon, it was the time for us to have the talk about us. I sat on my bed, while Sara was standing in front of the window with her arms crossed on her chest, watching the rain outside.

„Do you know that I wrote „Terrible Storm" about us?", she broke the silence after a while and I gave her my full attention.

„Really?", I asked her, surprised.

She turned to me and slowly walked to the bed.

„Yeah. In that time I was fully realizing my feelings for you. Well, I always knew there was something, but in this time I knew it for sure. And you found Lindsey and...I didn´t know how should I feel. I felt guilty because of my feelings, I felt love, I felt hopelessness and I felt jealousy, because Lindsey took you from me.", she confessed and my mouth was opened in shock.

„I thought you would never find another love again...", I whispered slowly those lyrics of the song and I finally understood what it was about.

„It was also inspired by that book I told everyone, but this...You, you were the main reason I wrote that song. Terrible storm is inside of me every single day of my life and I can´t stop it.", she said and I grabbed her hand and held it in my own.

I didn´t know what to say. She was really sad, but she didn´t cry. She was just looking into my sheets, never looking into my eyes.

„I wish I could know this a lot sooner, Sar. But I was too stupid. Since our childhood I knew that there was something more...But I always thought it was just a twin thing. When we grew older, I had some...some feelings towards you, but...I wanted to be always with you, by your side, but you kept pushing me away and maybe that´s why I never seen what´s really going on.", I said.

Sara looked shyly into my eyes.

„I kept pushing you away, because I was scared of it. You was always the one that was there for me, supporting me and even though I was a bitch, you never left me. You were protecting me and I-I...I just love it about you. I love how much you care about me. No one ever did.", she said and her voice cracked at the end of the last sentence.

This was true. Me, the sentimental one, the one that always care and never say no to her twin. Sara, the quiet one, that is annoyed with my presence, doesn´t like to touch me...But that was just a mask. She was just too scared to admit it.

„You could tell me.", I whispered to her and she looked at me like I was insane.

„Are you kidding me, Tegan? And what was I supposed to say? Uh, Tegan, I am probably in love with you, is that okay?", she shouted and I sighed.

It really sounded crazy and if I knew what I felt, I would probably never even mention it. She was right, but if she would tell me how she feel, I wont hate her. That´s for sure.

„I wouldn´t hate you. I would just need some time to think. Like now.", I said.

„You need some time for thinking?", she asked me and I didn´t know, if it hurt her or not.

„Not anymore. I was already thinking about it a lot.", I said to her and squeezed her hand.

„And? What did you figure out?", she asked me, curious.

I slowly sat up, grabbed her chin and pulled her face really close to mine, just inches apart and I locked my eyes with hers. The look in her eyes was tired and hopeless, and I wanted to get that all away.

„We can´t fight with it, Sar. It was always here and we can´t pretend it will just go away. I...I love you and I will be with you forever, no matter what. Both me and you, we can´t be happy without each other. It´s just how it is. I can´t change the fact that I love you.", I whispered to her and I kissed her slowly, she kissed me back, but then she pulled away.

„I love you too, Tegan. But...we can´t do this. I mean, how? How do you want to do this? We can´t tell anybody. Not even our mom, friends or anybody else.", she said and I sighed.

„I know. But we can keep it as a secret."

„But...it´s wrong.", she said, almost whimpered and looked down.

I pulled her head back up and looked deeply into her eyes.

„Love is never wrong, Sara. If we wont hurt anybody, it can´t be wrong. This thing we have together, the fact that our souls are on this journey together, that´s not wrong. It can´t be.", I said and then I kissed her again, this time neither of us pulled away for a while.

I knew it wasn´t going to be easy, but it was still a better choice, than pretending that it´s not there. Sara was hurt for so many years and I couldn´t let her be like that anymore. Plus, I also felt love to her.

_Sinful Love..._


End file.
